We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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