Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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