pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
