You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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