I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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