I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize
