Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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