Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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