Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.