Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I believe in your delicious
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
