Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
