yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
