Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
