I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
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you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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