I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Randomize
