The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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