I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
