i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
ttyl tear gas
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
