my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I intend to get homeless drunk
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Randomize
