Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
