I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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