At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
