Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize