I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
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