She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
