My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
