i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
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He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
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Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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