I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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