My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
