I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
and she was petting her beer can
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
