I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Randomize
