Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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