I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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