I wish life had little blips of pornography
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
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