She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
