I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
