tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
