My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
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