And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Randomize
