I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
