i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I have tasted many bathrooms
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize