one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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