Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
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