felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize