I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
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