The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
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