Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
