I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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