I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
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