she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
She has the best kind of daddy issues
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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