the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
