Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
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