If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
