Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
You may now shotgun with the bride
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Randomize
