dude i'm inner monologue high
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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