Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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