What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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