4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
