I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
