Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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