i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
